the monsters in us all

How easy it is for us to bemoan our own hardships, the hurts and betrayals that have been done onto us,

what about the terror we enact on others?

To live without fault is near impossible, if not entirely so.

Each of us comes away from this life scathed and scathing.

It is effortless to float through time and space feeling sorry for yourself, feeling the pain of what the world has enacted on you.

Yet how often do we stop and recall the hurt we’ve doled out?

I find myself sitting and weeping over the ways I’ve been mistreated,

still what about the hearts I’ve broken, in pursuit of my own self interest,

or in boredom,

or in malice.

Should we not stop to consider how we are the villain in someone else’s story?

Would this not humanize us all a bit more.

on love and loss

‘all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice” has always been something I truly believed in. 

how do you define love when no two loves are the same? 

how do you move on from a love lost when you know there’s never anything that can replace it? 

and then to love someone who you can never love again, who is gone forever, what do you do with that love? 

does it go away? does it transform into a new feeling? is a love lost still a love? 

do any of these questions come with answers or do we continue to fall and to fawn and to shatter into pieces, just to build them back up and do it all again? 

what is this tendency towards one another that we can’t seem to escape, why is the human experience in and of itself not enough. 

the more I learn the less I know. 

small magic

I have been jumping from ledge to ledge for the past five years. Putting up with bad behaviour, letting people treat me however they wanted, as long is it meant I could survive. I wanted to desperately to leave where I came from, not because of my family, who has persevered and loved each other no matter what the world throws at us, but because I found it impossible to escape my past while starring it in the face everyday. A constant reminder of all that we have lost. There are pictures of ghosts all over my house. It is inescapable.

What you realize about these ghosts is that they become all that you have, along with the memories. The people you want to be around in the midst of tragedy, in the midst of success, are the people that have seen your ups and downs and loved you still. Some people are not capable of this. Some people will throw you under the bus as soon as things get hard. That’s okay. This is your journey not theirs. People don’t owe you anything, just as you don’t owe anyone anything.

I refuse to allow myself to be shrank down to a more palatable version of myself. I refuse to stop standing up for myself, no matter how people choose to label me. I hear all the rumours, I hear all the gossip, I am intimately aware of the many ways in which people hate me and yet all it does is motivate me to keep doing what I’m doing; people will always fear what they can’t capture. I am not like anyone else and anyone who doesn’t see that, can not see their own magic, so how could I expect them to see mine?

letter from a girl who also lost her brother.

Welcome to the club. It’s a club that no one wants to be a part of and memberships are non refundable. While no two memberships are the same, there are some parts that remain consistent.

Most people won’t understand. That’s okay. Some people will act like it’s not a big deal. It is. Don’t let anyone invalidate your feelings or tell you how to feel. This is your loss and you get to feel it however makes sense to you.

When you experience a loss, any loss, but especially one so monumental, at such a young age, it forces you to grow up in a way that most people never will. It may feel like your childhood was stolen from you.

When your friends complain about their brothers, you may smirk a little to yourself, because you know you would give everything to fight with your brother.

It is incredibly challenging to watch your parents lose a child. It will test your family in ways you never imagined. You may feel helpless. You may feel confused, you’re supposed to be the kid, but now you’re comforting your parents. Lean on each other.

People will tell you stories. Listen. Always listen. Those little moments help you keep them close.

As time passes, you may feel frustrated or sad or even angry as you begin to forget little things about them. It’s okay. You will never lose their memory completely.

When you start to enjoy things again, you may feel guilty. Ignore it. That guilt is the just the pain of your loss masquerading itself. You are allowed to have a happy, full life still. Do it for him, it’s what he would want.

It can be hard to listen to people talk about loss who have not experienced what you have, you may feel jealous even, that they don’t know your pain. That’s okay. Try to turn it into gratitude; gratitude that the people you love and care about don’t have to hurt the way that you do.

As someone who knew your brother, know that he loved you guys more than anything. He wanted you guys to feel loved unconditionally, all the time, and that kind of love never dies.

wherefore for art thou, existence?

Perhaps just to be sentient is enough.
Does life need a purpose or meaning, or is it enough to just be?
Is BEING, consciousness, experience, enough to be worth it?
In this moment, it feels like it is.
To experience life, to feel it, and not only that, but to influence it.
Your existence, no matter how small or unimportant it may feel, influences the world in some way.
Your existence changes everything, creates a storyline that could not exist without you!
To be in time and space is in itself so miraculous.
The universe WANTED and NEEDED you exactly where you are.
She chose you to exist here and now.
There is immense power in simply existing.
To question your purpose, in to question the universe herself and how could we begin to question the motives of what we can barely even begin to understand?
Today I choose to trust the universe.

untitled screenplay: act 1 scene 1

Fade in:

We see a worn wooden floor.

The camera pans up slowly to reveal the darkened insides of a cabin, a snowy mountain range can be seen in silhouette outside the window.

ELIJAH, a man who values his privacy and seclusion, sits in front of a small, wood fireplace. MAX, a white, fluffy, dog sits at this feet.

The fire crackles in the background.

ELIJHA
(to his canine companion)
‘What a day, I can’t believe we made it back before that blizzard, hey Maxy?’

MAX
(lifts his head slightly off the ground to stare at ELIJAH)

ELIJHA continues his reverie, staring off into the direction of the fire.

Cut to the window, we see a beam of light wash over the mountains.

MAX
(jumps up and starts pacing between ELIJAH and the window)
‘*MAX whines*

ELIJAH
(stands up and walks towards the window, his hand comes up to shield his eyes from the harsh light)
‘what fresh hell…..’

Before he’s able to say anything else, the entire cabin shakes violently, throwing MAX and ELIJAH to the floor.

Once the shaking stops, the pair cautiously stand.

ELIJAH
(heads towards the door, throwing on his boots and coat)
‘You stay here Max, we have no idea what we’re dealing with here.’
(he opens the door and steps out)

OUTSIDE THE CABIN

The silence is eerie in contrast to moments ago.

ELIJAH
(looks out over the icy tundra and sees a large, metal object, that looks like a military plane from a foreign country)

He walks in the direction of the object. The door slowly begins to open as he does.

ELIJAH has no idea what to expect.

The door is fully open, in the doorway we see a commandingly tall, wispy silhouette.

ELIJAH
(stops short at the bottom of the doorway)
‘Hello, I’m Elijah, this is my home. Who are you and what do you want?

The figure steps forward, we have a better view of them now. There is no visible gender cues, the figure is unnaturally tall, and waif-like, their skin is pale and seems to glow under the heavy lights. A helmet covers their face.

A7-GLA
(they lift the visor of their helmet, revealing three steely black eyes)

ELIJAH’s eyes grow wide.

Suddenly ELIJAH hears a voice. But it’s in his head. A distinct voice cuts through his thoughts.

A7-GLA
(speaks telepathically)
‘I am A7-GLA, I come from the Sofíthárros galaxy. We are here to warn you of a danger so vile and potentially catastrophic. It’s effects extend beyond your world, beyond your galaxy even. You must help us.

ELIJAH
‘Me?!
(a look of incredulity setting in)
‘I’m the last person whose help you want…’

A7-GLA
(speaking telepathically)
‘It is foretold in our most ancient literature that you will be the one to help us. Without you, the universe will face immense loss. Unimaginable loss. Come with me, I must tell you more’

ELIJAH walks up the stairs. The door shuts behind him.

End scene.

reflections

As the year draws to a close, I can’t help but reflect on all that has transpired and all that I’ve learned. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned this year is how to walk away from people and situations that are toxic or not serving a positive purpose. When I think back to the countless nights I lied awake sobbing, consoling myself, swearing to myself I wouldn’t let that person do this to me again….and then a few days, or weeks, sometimes even months later, I’d somehow find myself right back in the same position, except some how worse because you’re crawling back to someone who hurt you so deeply, sometimes even publicly.

There was a period of this year where I experienced one of the darkest points of my life, I really felt as if I was close to falling off the edge. I am so grateful for all the many amazing people in my life who helped me through this time, I don’t think I could begin to express how important these people are to me. I am also grateful to myself. Grateful for my strength and ability to always claw my way back off the ledge and towards greener pastures.

If I could go back and see that girl, the girl that I was, I would hug her so tight and tell her to have the strength to walk away from these people who were hell bent on taking out their traumas on her, I would tell her to love her soul as much as she loves her body, to protect her at all costs because she is delicate and she has no business being in rough hands.

It took me 26 years to learn how to stand up for myself and cut myself off from people who are hell bent on taking out their hurt and pain on the world around them. By the same token, I had to have a hard look at myself and the times that I’ve been the one taking my traumas out on others. As we all know, you can’t go back and undo the passed, we can only push forward, hopefully as better people. I like to think I am becoming a better person, and though it has been a challenging, painful, often times quite toxic road, it has also been immensely rewarding.

I hope I can continue to grow and learn and to protect my present and future self and soul for all the times I didn’t in the passed.

escapism

Can you feel it? The call, the call to the unknown. The urge to run to flee to frolic to just fucking go. I hear the wind and I close my eyes and I imagine myself light as air, floating through time and space just going, somewhere else, some other time. I feel restless all the time, like every atom in my body is aching to explore the unknown, I can’t sit still, I can’t stay in one place, I am a girl without a home, floating through life as if the air were honey and my body was tied down with cinderblocks, I can’t help but wish I could join in the breeze.

I don’t know when this feeling took hold, if it’s always been with me, I can’t remember any more, was I always this uncomfortable? And better yet what’s to say anywhere else would be different, maybe this feeling is inherent within me, a soul yearning to return to it’s energetic form and leave behind this damned corporal body.

Dissociating day after day when I can just to feel for a second what it might be like to escape, I don’t know how to shake this feeling, I don’t know how to make a home out of a body and a life I don’t want to be in, and it’s not just THIS body or THIS life, it’s any body or any life. I can not help but feel an intense apathy towards this shallow existence. What is the point? You know, what makes the good outweigh the bad? If we all end the same way, alone and in death, then truly what are we here for? To work, to make money, to pay the bills, to keep working? To have small moments or experiences of joy of exploration or knowledge but for what? To what ends?

It is these never-ending questions that taunt me and tease me and wake me up at 3am, sweating and chilled, all at once, “why?” it reverberates in my brain. I feel I will spend my entire life seeking for answers that can never be found.

Lettre D’amour pour le Ciel

*reads a bit of Baudelaire & thinks she can write poems in french*
Shout out to google docs for editing this for me. I don’t think I’ve ever written in french outside of school and maybe the occasional instagram caption so don’t roast me too hard…

Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais quelquefois,mon attention serait de tirer au ciel.

Je ne pouvais rien faire que regarder au les nuages, et espérer qu’il y a, en quelque places, quelqu’une d’autre qui est aussi distraite, par la magie qu’elle contient dans le ciel. 

La nuit est aussi belle, les étoiles brillent, les ombres peuvent contenir toutes sortes de secrets. Tu ne sais jamais ce qui t’entoure. 

Il y a beaucoup à trouver dans tous les petits détails du monde, mais nous sommes tous tellement concernés par les matières compliqués par notre propre conception. Alors, trop souvent, nous manquerons la beauté magnifique du ciel. 

J’encourage tout le monde à pratiquer, chaque journée, prenez quelques minutes pour apprécier le ciel. C’est une chose tellement petite qu’il peut avoir un gros effet positif.

Si tout le monde prenait un petit peu plus de reconnaissance pour toutes les petites merveilles du monde, je savais que le monde serait une meilleur place.

hallmark, but make it spicy

The air stung her cheeks as she stepped out into the crisp December evening, the traffic dinned in the background as she looked at the screen of her phone, photos grazing her consciousness as she scrolled through her Instagram timeline.

Arianna was heading out to her best friends condo for the first time in months, eager to see her friends before the Christmas holidays and what was sure to be another year of isolation and disappointment. She waited for her uber in the bitter cold, light snowflakes hitting her cheeks and sticking to her hair, between that and her outfit she felt a bit like a 90s pop icon.You’re lost? Let me explain. Silver puffy snow boots with white fluffy trim and white pompoms hanging off of dangling white rope, white knit tights, a black tennis skirt, a white cable knit sweater, a long silver super puff jacket, white earmuffs, and now, crystalline white snowflakes glistening throughout her long auburn hair.

She found her Uber and hopped in, nervous and excited to be headed to a holiday “party”. It was only going to be maybe ten people, most of whom she knew, but any chance to dress up was a good time in her view. Plus, she knew she looked hot as fuck. She pulled up to Gracies condo and buzzed, signed in and took the elevator up to the 35th floor.

Gracies condo was gorgeous and expansive, the luxury of rich, generous, withdrawn parents. A kicked off her boots, shrugged off her coat, and threw it in Gracies’ room. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered as she anticipated the initial shock of reintegration into society. That’s how it felt these days.

She turned the corner into the open concept kitchen, living room design and was instantly flooded with deep bass, wafts of vodka, familiar faces, and, what could only be described as the hottest fucking greek god of a man she’d ever seen in her entire life. Not to be hyperbolic. But honestly. He must have been 6’3, muscular but not in a trying to hard kind of way, he was dressed clean and smart, dark jeans, a dark sweater, matching socks, medium length hair without too much product, and dark piercing eyes that somehow contained multitudes. She felt her knees tremble a bit as she struggled to walk a straight line, despite the fact that she had yet to even so much as take a shot.

“EEEEEEE ARIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAA” shrieked Tabby, as she ran over to A, Gracie tagging behind, a lazy smile gracing her face. “Bitchhhhhhhhhhh, you made it” slurred Gracie slightly, “wouldn’t miss it for the world, hoe” smiled A. “SHOTS SHOT SHOTS” cried Tabby, as she careened the bottle of stoli towards A, who diligently, leant back and opened her mouth to facilitate the pour. She took a double shot of vodka and wiped her mouth, looking up to make eye contact with the mysterious model in the kitchen.

“Who the fuck is that” hissed A into Gracies air while motioning her chin over to the tall handsome stranger. “Hehehehehe that’s my cousin Jakob, he’s visiting for a few months, you like” said Tabby with a wink. A blushed crimson. She did, but she would never fucking admit that to Tabby of all people. Just then he smirked at her, she looked away quickly and changed the conversation to mindless chatter with her girls.

After a couple vodka sodas with a hint of lime, A started to warm up and feel more like herself. She had been catching up with her friends, who had since left to go to the washroom and she was sitting on the velvet couch checking her phone mindlessly scrolling, un-a-tune to her surroundings. She felt someone sit next to her and turned only to be treated with the chiseled face of a greek god at fashion week. “This seat taken?” he asked, smiling, cocky as fuck. “Uh, no…but….do I know you?” instantly she slapped herself in the face (internally) for being such a rude ass bitch. “HA, no I guess not. I’m Tabby’s cousin, Jakob. And you?”, “A” was all that came from her lips. “Hmmmm, A, I like that, mysterious”. She hated how confident he was. “Listen, I’ve been watching you since you walked in, and I just have to say, I’ve never seen a woman so assured in herself. You’re fucking beautiful. And terrifying. I’d love to get to know you better.”

Suddenly, A’s skin puckered with goosebumps, her blood started pumping, heart beating, hands shaking…..it wasn’t even necessarily the words he said, but his steady, unyielding confidence….he felt like the kind of man that would take care of her. And yet…..

“Why’s that?” she said, brows raised in indignation?

“There’s just something about you. I’m not gonna pull that typical ‘you’re not like other girls’ bullshit, but you have a magnetism about you, I can’t deny it…..”

She was fucking intrigued.

“You’re words sound good but how do I know they’re genuine?” she questioned.

“Good question…I don’t know if I can give you a satisfactory answer to be honest.

Fuck. He’s good, she thought.

“I’d love to walk you home, maybe we can talk more and really get down to brass tacks about all this…..” he joked.

She couldn’t resist.

“Fine. But I’m not inviting you in, if that’s what you’re thinking. So if that’s you’re intention, save me the trouble of arguing with you at my door and just go home now.” she thought surely this would put him off.

He merely chuckled. “Sure, whatever you say.”

They thanked their host, said their goodbyes, grabbed their coats and headed out to the snow covered streets.

The air felt electric, though she was tipsy, there was another feeling at play, something deep in her stomach that she hadn’t felt in what felt like forever. They walked out into the cold and he shuffled close to her, his side pressing into hers, his arm snaking around her waist and pulling her in towards him. She felt as if her body was made of a billion nerve endings that were suddenly firing, and as if he heard the language of her body he stopped her right in the middle of the empty sidewalk, stepping out in front of her and without saying anything, he placed his two hands on either side of her chin, pulling her chin towards his and kissing her with such passion it was a wonder the snow around them didn’t burst into flames.

“There’s something about you…….” he gasped.

“I feel it too” she breathed.

“My old high school is around the corner, they never lock the gym, we could?” he asked….

“Yes. Let’s go.” she exhaled with certainty.

They quickly made their way towards the school and quietly creaked open the old, cracked door. They crept through the dark hallways towards the gymnasium, where they were sure to find all the mats. You could hear the blood coursing though their veins as the attractive pair silently made their way towards to gym, hand in hand. Once they made it, they ripped the mats off their velcro holders on the wall, through them down next to each other on the ground, and instantly fell on top of one another, making out as if one mouth held the venom and one the cure.

“I need you” he whispered into A’s ear as he gently bit the lobe of her ear and then lightly ran his tongue in the hallow of her ear. She shivered as he did so. “Take me” she said with abandon. They stripped off each others shirts, hands roaming all over one another, as they continued to ravage each others mouths. He removed her tights and pulled her skirt up, bringing his fingers towards her clit and applying even pressure, rubbing in small circles, using her wetness as lube, all the while kissing down her neck and collar bones while she moaned his name.

Finally, A couldn’t take it, she rips down Jakob’s pants and out springs his hard 8inch cock, she licks the tip and thrusts it into her mouth, her tongue enveloping it, making circles around the tip down to her base, meeting her hand as it moves from base up, her other hand squeezing his balls, “fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk” he moans, as she moves rhythmically, up and down his hard dick. A makes eye contact with him as she sucks, “you like that” he asks incredulously, “unhunh” she slurps”.

“Fuck babe that’s so hot” he mutters as he pulls her up towards him, her pussy positioned perfectly over his cock, he looks into her eyes right before he plunges his throbbing cock into her wet hole, looking her deep in the eyes before sloppily kissing her mouth. “OH fuckkkkk, your dick feels so good babe” moans Arianna as she rocks on his cock. He begins to pound her upward, gaining momentum, he thrusts hard into her and flips her over so he’s now on top, he grabs her calves and throws them around her shoulders, pounding her hard while staring into her eyes. “You’re mine now, do you understand?” he growls before kissing her deeply.

He reaches down and pagans gently rubbling her clit until he feels the walls of her pussy tighten and her nails dig into his back. “FUck FucK fuCkkkKkkKkkkK” moans A. “I.Just.Fucking.Came.” she breathes. J smiles and beings to increase his tempo, eluding the fuck out of her. “AH AHHHH AH AHHHH AHH AHHH FUCKKAAA” screams A as he gyrates into her until he finally unleashes all of his thick, juicy cum deep inside of her.

Jakob collapses onto A and begins to kiss her face, neck, chest. “Fuck babe, that was incredible.” “Yeah..I know..” she breathes, “ready to take me home now” she says, smirking. “UH ya, of course.” he chuckles, clearly thrown off guard.

They quickly dress and navigate themselves outside the school. “That was……wow….crazy.” jakob stutters. “Haha, ya. Totally.” jokes A. They walk back to her place in silence, both admiring the quiet beauty of the snow around them.

“This is me. Thanks” A exclaims breathily. “It was….really, uh, magical? meeting you.” She can tell J’s nervous. “You too”, genuine, warm, slightly mocking. “Can I get your number or something?” he asks hopefully. “I have a feeling we’ll se each other, if we’re supposed to.” she chuckles and heads into her building.