in my dreams

I’ve been dreaming about you

what can I say, you twinkle and dance around my thoughts like

nothing,

like everything.

My memories drip and burn with you

I feel you on my skin when I wake up

I spend my day consumed with trying to figure out

the snippets of unreality

all that I’m left with.

You’re in my heart

imprinted on my brain

inescapable in every way and

though this should torture me

I’m terrified of the day you start slipping from my mind.

Yet life goes on.

You, in my dreams,

on my skin

in my head

just close enough to touch

but……

and me,

always wanting more

and moving

forward…..

have you ever met a woman?

Have you ever met a woman
who brings light and joy to everything she touches
but somehow also keeps your feet on the ground?

She knows when to hold your hand
and when to wag her finger
yet either way you know she’s beside you.

Some may simply call this a friend
some may say that’s family
they’re missing the point, that she brings light to this world!

Yes she is good and kind
and she’s always there when you need her
beyond that though, she inspires, just by existing.

Her smile is warm and genuine
her laugh is hearty and full
but her heart contains multitudes most never get the pleasure of knowing.

She is wild,
she is rare,
she is one of a kind.

And yet, I am the lucky one
for knowing her makes me better
for knowing her makes me loved.

rust and stardust

All we are is stars & everything in between
the whole universe in an atom
& here we are walking around made of many.

Can you stand on the ledge of everything & feel lucky?
Infinite possibilities lie before you.
And here you are! Here! Now!

Oh how the stars conspire
oh how they shine!
On my worst days, I am still composed of stardust.

The universe dances around endlessly.
She twirls and sashays, glimmering and gleaning.
I am somehow the middle, the end, and the beginning.

She is me and I am her
and yet, somehow, there is still you.
It all folds and flows and falls into place.

“Find beauty in the simple things”
but darling, we’re all so complex
why reduce our elegance to simplicity?

On the days when the universe feels overwhelming
like she could swallow you whole
just remember, that you are the beach and the wave.

inescapable waves

Everyone knows that at the depths of despair, grief is all consuming

like you’re drowning in the middle of the ocean with out a soul in sight or a harbour to call home,

but what about the waves,

that come later and later,

fewer and farther apart,

less of an impact but they’ll knock the air out of you regardless.

I always forget about the waves until I’m thrashing against them fighting to get a breath of air,

my toes can touch the bottom and yet I’m still struggling in the ocean none the less,

“it’s just the waves, they come and they go”

I tell myself,

let go, give in, go with the flow,

eventually it all passes.

But every time the waves come,

and they’ll never stop coming,

every time it catches me a little off guard.

black and blue

I spent months with bruised thighs
from digging in my finger tips
any time I was alone with you.

Everything you said cut like a knife
and yet there I was dangling off your edges
black and blue and red all over.

Hanging off your every word like I could become the me you wanted me to be
not realizing that your problem was with you
there was nothing I could have done to be understood by you.

I tore myself up from the inside out
trapped in a body I no longer knew
contorting myself into whatever arrangement might please you most.

Trying and trying yet nothing worked
nothing was good enough
I was still the villain in your story.

But how come I’m the one who walked away with scars
while you’re unchanged?
Baby you’re the fire and the gasoline

I’m the wood that you burn
up in smoke and into the universe
mingling with the stars.

That’s what you didn’t expect
for me to come out of your destruction reborn
a better version of myself.

No thanks to you.
Surviving you was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
I cherish myself for pulling through.

Nothing hurts like you
but at least my legs are no longer black and blue
I’m finally climbing out the other side, away from you.

“suicide” is not a dirty word

Meghan’s interview has got me thinking,
reflecting on my own experiences
& the human experience.

Watching people argue & analyze
whether or not she meant it
or is just being dramatic, trying to garner sympathy.

I can’t help but see the parallels to my own story.
My whole life I’ve been told
my big feelings make other people uncomfortable.

I should shrink them down
keep them a secret
otherwise I’m just looking for attention.

Have you ever told someone you want to kill yourself
with tears streaming down your face
only to be met with rolled eyes?

I would go to sleeping lulling myself with the thought
“if you still feel like this tomorrow, we’ll finally do it”
feeling relieved that at least I wasn’t bothering anyone with my feelings.

We live in a society where being suicidal is shameful
or unbelievable if your life looks too comfy from the outside.
How hard is it to just offer love and compassion?

Does staring into darkness make it too hard
to confront ones own demons?
Who amongst us has not felt it’s pull?

To feel such agony that the only option is an escape
And then on top of that
to be told you’re faking it, just being dramatic, looking for attention.

This obsession to fit people into our own conceptions of them
to force them into boxes that fit our narrative
stripping them of their humanity

has got
to
stop.

teenage dreams

You know those teen movies

you know the ones

that eternal summer

dripping popsicles

scuffed up converse

running around the carnival

lana del rey playing in the background

thinking that life is hard

not knowing how hard it really is

that us against the world mentality

filmed in gritty 90s tint

the drugs and the sex just breaking through the surface

“coming of age” they call it

we had that.

you and me, us against the world

two misfits who found each other

the few memories I’ve preserved

would be nothing if it hadn’t been for you

my partner in crime

the yin to my yang

we were those kids that weren’t alright

but somehow

we were

with each other

a beautiful, cinematic, triumph.

spring reverie

A rose gold sky that baths light over the land
tricking the eye
momentarily distracting from the deteriorating snow piles.

I smile to myself,
inhaling a burst of air into my sleepy lungs.
The little things.

As she rises, she changes
showing us all her beautiful shades
Reaching out over the grass, caressing all she meets.

The air is fresh and full
of teasing spring scents
wet dirt, flowers pushing through the earth, animals awakening.

Just like that, and my heart is warmed
what once seemed distant, too distant to look forward to,
is now so close.

life’s a beach

salty breeze licking at the nape of a bare neck
the gentle crashing of waves upon the shore
a night sky full of twinkling stars, so far away
a new night sky that is all different and all the same.

long tanned legs laid out languorously against red cushions
covered in sand and oil and the stillness of the night
there hangs in the air a certain quality
an importance that is neither here nor there.

there is laughter in the distance
all too familiar and yet somehow impossible to connect to
the mood here is all too different
the energy underneath it hums and burns.

the pitter patter of nervous hearts
the conversation deep and engulfing
my head a mess of uncertainty
I am once again searching for answers I can not find.

the best memories attached to the worst people
how can someone have such a duality within
to show such carelessness
only to turn around and envelop you in a caring that is far too much.

perhaps if it had been a different time
a different beach
a different life
but then, all the damage has already been done.

memories will fade like tans
or maybe more like waves, coming in and out
bringing with them new stones to overturn
taking with them the fragments of shells.

one man wrecking ball

A one man wrecking ball.

You see him surrounded by admirers’
Never alone, always a pair.
You think, him? Everyone loves him.
He must be a Good Guy. 

Yet you haven’t seen him in almost a year and you still have nightly nightmares.
The things he said and did haunt your thoughts daily. 

“People aren’t all good or all bad”
You remind yourself. 
But how come no one else sees the bad?
How come he’s allowed to hurt people with no reproach?

A broken boy who stacks his defenses up and launches a war at the first sign of storms
But he doesn’t see himself for the storm.

I wanted too much, I came on too strong, I cried one too many times.
Does that mean that I deserved to be treated like a villain?
Did I deserve to be told “everyone hates you. Stop crying, we all know you’re faking it”?

Of course not but nobody sees that.
Or they all averted their eyes and pretended I was the evil girl who deserved it. 

It’s easy to justify your actions when you shut out the damage you’ve done.
It’s easy to say “it wasn’t my fault” when you have a whole chorus of followers behind you, cheering on your vindictive ways.

I can not blame him for being charismatic or being loved
But I do blame him for using it against me.
For trying to hurt me because he wasn’t ready to heal himself. 

Because what people don’t see is the trail of broken hearts and broken girls
Left behind in the wake of a one man wrecking ball.