the start of summer

Isn’t that one of the best parts?
Getting to know each other, feeling each other out
unsure of the next move, yours or theirs.
Isn’t it the sweetest?
That first taste….first touch
tension burning hotter than the summer sun.
Isn’t this dance we do so fun?
Dangerously so, a tightrope tango
two bodies and minds playing with synchronicity.
Isn’t the urge nearly irresistible?
to dive right in to the cool seas of temptation
pleasure and relief flood your veins.
Isn’t it getting hard to resist?

Lost Love

I’m afraid to fall in love again
because it feels disloyal.

Like if I do it meant I didn’t love him as much as I said I did
as much as I know I did.

But what else is there to do?

I loved a boy
in very many ways we grew up together.

The difference is his demons out ran him
and I had to stick around to face mine.

That doesn’t mean I love him any less for moving forward.

little things

I love the little ways
to fall in love a person
platonic love,
romantic love,
fantasy love,
like the little drawings they doodle in idleness
or the way they twirl their hair when they’re nervous
any little thing
the minute details
you slowly get to know
the things that stick out most
even after the passage of time
concrete intricacies
quick moments of human delight.

scared of the dark

I’m scared of the dark 

Mostly

Except when I’m feeling particularly apathetic

Then I think 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad

If some unknown entity swallowed me whole 

Spinning Out

Spinning Out
they call it
you’re losing control
they call it
you’re making no sense
they call it
we don’t want to deal with it
they call it
your feelings are too much
they call it
you’re making it up
they call it
it’s not real
they call it
you’re faking it
they call it
you want people to feel bad for you
they call it.

We’re so sorry
they call it
we miss them
they call it
we never saw the signs
they call it
we never thought it would be them
they call it
who would have thought
they call it
we tried
they call it.

No one cares until it makes them look bad
they call it
no one cares until it’s about them
they call it
no one cares no one cares

Cupids Arrow

I sat in front of my full length mirror, putting on my makeup slowly, letting the gentle brush strokes caress my cheeks as I admired my work. Each action was made with intention, a subtle manifestation for a night of pleasure and love ahead. Me and Ahava had told our boyfriends we didn’t care what we did for Valentine’s Day, as long as it could be a double date – we figured two heads were better than one, when it came to letting the men plan a romantic evening. Me and Ahava had been friends since university, we met in first year and had been thick as thieves ever since. We had gone shopping together and found our outfits for the evening. She even helped me get out of my comfort zone and pick a gorgeous lacy, pink, heart-full lingerie set from honey birdette, something I never would have looked at if she hadn’t been there nudging me, telling me how gorgeous it looked in contrast with my long dark hair. She of course had opted for something tight, red and latex, looking like a Victoria’s Secret angel from the 90s. 

I was nervous as the clock ticked, I had started getting ready at 3pm, just to have something to keep me from pacing a hole through the floor in my condo. It neared 5pm now and I figured, screw it, time to pop open the bottle of rose in my fridge and take the edge off a bit. I sipped the cold liquid as I looked into the mirror, trying not to pick apart all the flaws I usually saw, instead trying to do one of those self-help type rituals where I hyped myself up. I started with my hair, something I had always felt was a symbol of my beauty, long, lucious, dark as onyx. It hung down my back, the thick tendrils caressing the sides of my face in a perfect frame. Next I admired my eyes, big, round, dark, full of storms lying underneath the surface. My lovely rosebud lips were next, and at this point I felt the exercise begin to work – I was even turning myself on a bit. As I moved down the rest of my body I became aware of the gorgeous feminine shape I possessed, delicate collar bones, small but firm and perky breasts, a flat tummy with just the right amount of tone, thick thighs that carried my frame and a cute little bubble butt. My boyfriend, Samael was going to drink me up the second he saw me, I felt a shiver of excitement run up my spine. 

My phone beeped, the tone reserved for Sammy, and I felt the butterflies rise up in my stomach. I took another huge sip of my wine before checking his message. “Hey Suks, please don’t hate me….I don’t think I can do this tonight…my heads a mess, this is too much….you’re too much…I need some space.” My heart dropped, the room started spinning. How fucking could he?! I instantly dialed Ahava, I needed to hear her voice of reason and let her know our double date was going to be a single date. “VaVa…I” I choked out before the tears started lightly flowing down my cheeks. “Woa woa, what’s up baby girl?” “Sammy….Sam, he, I think he broke up with me” I wept. “Oh that mother fucker!!!!!!!! I’m gonna kill him!!!!! What did he say?! Did he show up just to tell you that?!  WHAT HAPPENED?!” her voice reverberated against the cold walls of my empty condo. “No, he TEXTED me” I shouted, the anger now taking over the tears. “Wow. WOW. What a fucking loser…..I can’t even….well here’s what we’re going to do. You already have the hot outfit, I saw the snap you sent me earlier and your hair and makeup look absolutely fire. You’re going to go into your bedroom, put on that sexy set we bought, put your dress on and me and Connie are going to show you the best fucking Valentine’s Day ever. We’ll make sure to take some smoking hot pics so Sam knows how badly he fucked up.” I couldn’t argue with her, she sounded so fierce and sincere. 

I got dressed quickly, chugged the rest of my wine, called an uber and headed to the restaurant, my head spinning both from the wine and the unfortunate text. I couldn’t wait to see Vava, she always lifted my mood and I knew she’d have a lot to say tonight. The restaurant the guys had chosen was a gorgeous little french bistro that looked like it belonged in Europe. The lighting was dim, the tables were dressed immaculately in white linen table cloths, each lit by their own candle. I arrived and took a sigh of relief as I saw Ahava and Connelly were already seated at our table, a bottle of wine planted in the middle and three glasses waiting to be sipped. 

I approached the table, steadying myself, not wanting to bring down the atmosphere, already feeling like the awkward loser who got ditched on Valentine’s Day, who was now third wheeling. Vava jumped up as soon as she saw me and wrapped me in a huge hug, kissing my cheeks and making me feel like the most loved girl in the room. “I’m so happy to see you babe, you look drop dead gorgeous. We’re going to have an amazing night, don’t worry! Connie doesn’t mind sharing, right babe?” she winked at him. “Not at all. Who wouldn’t want to spend Valentine’s Day with two stunning girls?!” he smiled radiantly at me. I was starting to get that butterfly feeling in my stomach again, the attention they were giving me was making me blush. 

The dinner was incredible, the food was divine, everything we ate tasted like gold and the wine was so smooth and luxurious, each sip filling me with warmth. The best part though, was the way Ahava and Connelly were just absolutely lavishing me with attention, I barely noticed that I had shown up alone. “Suks….I’m so lucky to have you in my life, I hope you know that.” Ahava held my hands in hers, looking into my eyes lovingly. “Awwwwe Vava, you already know you’re my number one.” Connelly sat back in his chair casually, grinning lazily at the two inebriated girls, professing their love for one another. The waiter came over, asking if we wanted any dessert, “I actually have some chocolate covered strawberries waiting at home for my girls”, the waiter blushed, “just the check will be fine sir.” He pulled out his card, a class act from start to finish. Me and Ahava excused ourselves to the bathroom to freshen up before we left. “You have to come home with us and try this pinot noir we have at home!!!!!” Ahava gushed. “Oh….I dunno, I don’t want to interrupt anymore, I mean you guys have already been so good to me tonight I couldn’t-” “nonsense. You’re not interrupting anything. We want you there.” I could never argue with her. 

We squished into the back of an uber and my heart raced slightly as I felt the weight of the evening bearing down on us in the dark. We were drunk and happy, always a dangerous combination. A mix of nervous and excited energy coursed through my body and I couldn’t quite figure out why. I had gone to Vava and Connie’s place a thousand times before. But something about tonight felt palpably different. 

Once inside their chique open-concept apartment, we tossed off our shoes and coats and Connie put on some music, a sultry jazz playlist that seemed to set the mood. He uncorked the wine and poured us each a glass, bringing them over and then retreating to the kitchen, coming back with a tray of the aforementioned strawberries. “You have to try one Suks!” Vava cooed. She grabbed one from the tray and put it tenderly to my lips, smiling at me deviously. “Mmmmmmmmmm, this is so good” I murmured. Connie came over and sat on the chair next to us, looking over fondly at his girl, and at me. A shiver ran down my spine. “Suks….me and Connie were talking earlier….no presh or anything. But you know I like girls too right?” I nodded, feeling frozen in the moment “well we were wondering if maybe you wanted to keep this Valentine’s Date going, if you catch my vibe?” She and Connie exchanged sexy smiles. “I…you guys want me to…..with both of you?” They laughed heartily in reply. “You’re fucking gorgeous girl, the way you’re always so shy and demure?! I just know there’s a tiger in there waiting to break free.” At that she leaned in, gently tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and closing the gap between us, her lips meeting mine, the most tender kiss I had ever experienced.

Kissing a girl was nothing like kissing men. She was soft, delicate, I could taste her lip gloss as her tongue gently moved across my bottom lip. I could feel myself instantly growing wetter. She moved a perfectly manicured hand to the nape of my neck, tracing her nails along my hairline, sending shivers all through my body. We broke away from each other and she grinned at me, I almost forgot Connie was there. Vava turned to him and motioned him over with one finger. He sauntered over slowly, sitting beside her, their lips joined together with passion, I was absolutely mesmerized. She pulled away and put one hand on his cheek, turning his face towards me. He looked at me, his eyes seemingly asking “is this okay for you?”I looked over at Vava and she nodded at me ever so slightly. His kiss felt different, his stubble rubbing against my chin slightly, reminding me of his masculinity, as his strong hand wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer in towards the both of them.

If I thought my head was spinning before, I was now going full tilt, I could not believe what I was doing and yet it felt so, so right. “Why don’t we take this to the bedroom” suggested Vava. Connie got up, his erection clearly showing through the front of his trousers, and extended a hand to each of us, pulling us up with little effort. Vava winked at me before sauntering off behind him and I followed suit, as if under a horny spell.

Connie had unbuttoned his shirt on the way to the bedroom and was now laying down, bare chest revealed, not quite a six pack, but enough definition to know that he was strong. Vava pulled me closer to her, kissing me again before moving her lips down my neck and my collar bones, while her hands moved down my body from the back of my shoulders to my lower back, before squeezing my ass. I couldn’t help but lightly moan. “Let’s get these restrictive dresses off, shall we?” she effortlessly lifted hers off, revealing her ample breasts, soft tummy and gorgeous curves. “Now you” as she squatted down slowly moving up the hem of my dress while lightly kissing my thighs, my whole body now full of goosebumps.

Meanwhile, Connie had taken out his rock hard cock and was lazily stroking it as he watched us. I stole a few glances, as I was overcome with lust at this point and couldn’t wait for the two of them to begin to really ravish me. “Lay down beside him” Vava whispered after she had removed my dress. I did as I was told. She crawled up the bed towards us, taking turns kissing us both once she got to the top, then moving slowly down Connie’s body before putting her mouth on the tip of his dick, licking it ever so slightly, teasing him, as he threw his head back in ecstatic anticipation. She removed her mouth for a moment, produced some saliva which she proceeded to spit onto his dick before moving her mouth further and further down his shaft.

Connie watched her for a few seconds before turning to me, grabbing me passionately by the back of the head, kissing me expertly while his other hand explored my breasts before moving down towards my lacy, soaking wet panties. He lightly rubbed the outside of my clit before he pushed my panties aside with his strong fingers and began to use his middle finger and pointer finger to trap my clit between them and gently apply pressure. He moaned into my mouth as Vava reached the base of his shaft, one hand playing with his balls. I was absolutely overwhelmed with pleasure, between his hands and the sexy visuals playing out before me. After sucking him off for a few minutes, she lifted her head. “That’s so fucking hot…but I think it’s my turn.” she purred, before moving over towards me. She pulled my panties down my legs, tossing them aside before looking at me hungrily. Again she began kissing up my thighs, this time more eager, before she got to my now soaking wet pussy. She started teasing my clit with her fingers, moving one inside me, teasing me before she moved her mouth down to my wetness, licking and sucking in the most delicious combination. Connie moved behind her and thrust his length into her wet pussy as she ate mine. I was crying out in pleasure as she expertly navigated my pussy, all the while he slammed into her, her ample ass shaking as he drove into her. She moaned into my pussy, even the vibrations felt good and I felt the waves of pleasure mounting over me as I came. “Wanna switch places babe?” Vava asked? I nodded my head yes, eager to experience Connie’s gorgeous cock inside of me. 
Vava shimmied her way up my body, moving her glistening pussy to my lips, my hands grabbing the sides of her thighs and moving her towards my eager tongue as I lapped up her juices. Connie positioned himself between my legs and teased my entrance with the tip of his girthy member while Vava grinded on my tongue. Suddenly, he plunged into me and I gasped against my friend’s throbbing clit. She started pulling away from me and I felt despondent for a moment, before she turned herself around and sat back down, allowing me to continue eating her sweet pussy, while she made out with Connie, who was now vigorously thrusting into me. The heat in the room was unbearable and as another flood of pleasure overcame my body, I felt Vava tightening the grip of her thighs around my face, both of us erupting like volcanoes of desire. Connie continued to plow into me as he too was ripped with a torrent of rapture running through his body, pulling out his dick at the last second and shooting thick ropes of cum all over me and Vava.

All three of us collapsed onto our backs, chests heaving, bodies quivering with residual waves of gratification. I couldn’t believe this was the same me who had gotten ready earlier this evening. I was suddenly glad Samael hadn’t shown up.

the tiger and the kitten

Have you ever looked into the face
of a docile purring cat
and seen the tiger lying underneath the surface?

A brief glimpse of the stealthy predator that lives within
waiting to pounce at it’s prey
when the moment is right?

Have you ever felt that way
about your own tiger within?
Known this humdrum life is not all there is.

There is within me a fierce fighter
a beautiful beast of prey
who roams the forest as if it were a castle.

The duality of nature
within us all
from kitten to earthling.

Whether your playground is a jungle
or a metropolis
you are more than meets the eye.

on existence

I keep writing of dreams
of loves lost found again only in slumber
I poeticize the hell out of
unattainable
unrecognizable
subconscious renderings.

Except it’s not totally
unrecognizable
I see shapes and sounds that are vaguely familiar
they resemble my waking life
in a painfully sharp way
leaving me longing for pasts unreachable.

Waking up sobbing
chest heaving
body trembling
somehow louder in the calm darkness
I curse myself both for sleeping and for waking.

This beautiful torture
this full surrender
I long to live in memories
and yet when I am awake
I grasp at anything to stay alive.

Confused
is a state I spend a lot of time in
like my desires are water in which
I sometimes swim and sometimes drown
oh to be so luxuriously troubled.

To lament and languish
in ones own mind
for what purpose
what greater good does this serve
if I’m here should I not focus on the now?

Yet there is a piece of me that remains rooted firmly in the past
unable to let go
gripping tightly
like I am about to fall off the side of a cliff
refusing to grant rest to my weary heart
and so I do this dance.

I grow weary
and I remain lost
stumbling around in a haze
sometimes shockingly present
often times gone somewhere…..

Toiling away
wasting precious ephemerality
believing both the transient
and the permanent
existing and all at once
disappearing.

into the void

I am tired
tired of giving more than I receive
and still feeling so alone.
Constantly lost in my thoughts, drowning in despair
no one to turn to.
People always offer “but you can talk to me!”
yet when I do, I can feel the discomfort
or they give me some stock reply
‘I’m sorry you feel that way!’ ‘That sucks!’
Cold & clinical.
Maybe I expect too much…
need too much.
But how can that be when I’ve spent a lifetime alone?
I am painfully aware of my sensitivity
I know I am not an easy person to love
demanding, deep, volatile
in need of constant reassurance
I have learned to turn inwards
write in my many journals
scream into the void.
I am tired
of considering how others perceive me
I crave radical acceptance
to be adored for my flaws
appreciated as the person I am
recognized for all my efforts.
Instead I toil away in my own mind
feeling ever more lonely, day by day.
I post constantly, hoping someone will notice, relate
but it’s all so fleeting
At the end of the day my thoughts are my own
I am alone in this big cosmic soup.