What is the purpose of life?
Often asked
many answers
but what if it’s simple as this;
to know love.
Not just romantic love
but platonic love
familial love
love for a pet
or for a job
or even for a moment.
To know love is not complete
without loss
for loss reveals the depth of our love
an unending cycle
meant to show us our own humanity.
Because what is more beautiful than our capacity to care
to appreciate something outside of ourselves
we continue to love
despite a lifetime of losses
because the power of love overrides the aches of life.
forever.
Another day where I wake up and I have the sense that you’re right there
close enough to feel but not close enough to touch
and yet last night, I swear I felt my hands on your chest
your heart beating rhythmically, my favourite safe place.
I’m snapped awake and I have to remind myself that you’re gone
and it doesn’t make any sense because your presence still lingers
I swear you’re right fucking there.
So I wail and cry out to the universe
because even two years later it’s still so unfair
I turn on your music and I torture myself
emotionally cutting just to hear your voice.
I miss you every day in ebbs and flows
you’re always on the tip of my tongue, the edge of my mind
and I know I’m romanticizing it all.
But I can’t help it,
I’ve loved you at my lowest,
at my wildest,
and now.
I think I’ll love you forever.
little things
It’s funny,
how we learn to appreciate the little things
you know, how the sky still has a tinge of light at 5:33
and you smile to yourself
maybe even feel that shiver of electricity run through your veins
the whisper of warmer weather calls to you
and suddenly the bitter cold winters seem bearable
there’s pleasures to be had ahead.
Oh January
I never liked January, it’s always felt stark white, cold, in comparison to the whimsical nature of December. I guess that makes sense, I’ve always been a one foot on the ground, head in the clouds kind of person. I try to see the good in everything, when I can remember to, when I’m not weighed down by the force of my emotions. After I lost him though, Decembers’ started to creep up on me like a forlorn shadow in the dark of night. I watched myself crumble like a passing spectator, unable the stop the crash inside my head, over and over. Fresh like the first winter snow. Suddenly January doesn’t feel so bad. A reprieve from the madness that so consumed me. Madness, sadness, whatever you want to call it. Old hurts, new aches, I dizzy myself trying to match the spin of the universe.
playing with fates
He’s just a boy, at heart
chasing pretty faces
trying to bury his demons in flesh.
I’m just a girl, at heart
pulling up my drawbridge
playing princess, alone in my ivory tower.
We’re just bad for each other, at heart
a chemical reaction
not meant for this life.
conflicting storms
He asks me if I love him
I say not yet
how could I?
I barely know him
he hasn’t seen me.
He thinks love is a tempest
blowing in and bringing chaos in it’s wake
destroying what has been.
I think love is a warm summer breeze
tickling my skin
warming my face
wrapping me in sweet seduction.
So who is right
how do these two conflicting forces meet
is it wrong from the start.
Are we doomed in fate
or do these winds entangle and enchant
time doesn’t stop
It’s been a year and eight months, almost
somehow it feels like both an eternity and no time at all
the magical shapeshifting nature of time under grief.
I still feel like I can text you or DM you or call you
under false pre-tenses, just to hear your voice, to know you’re still there
but you’re somewhere else and every day I’m reminded.
Your absence is a black hole at the centre of my heart
even on my brightest days, I’m left wondering
what space would you be filling?
Still I worry, how long will it be before I start to forget the sound of your laugh
and then I start to question myself,
am I only holding on to this sadness to keep a piece of you with me?
What are the limits of losing someone
how long can you hold on to fading memories in time that continues to hurtle forward
when does holding onto the past become disingenuous ?
28 Reflections
I just spent the afternoon riding my bike around town, in the rain.
Although I am covered in rain water, sweat and mud, I can’t help but feel cleansed.
Maybe it’s because I’m on the heels of my 28th birthday, and I always feel extra emotional around this time, or maybe it’s because the last two years have been a period of huge transformation for me.
From being deeply broken and unhappy, to losing the most important person to me, to completely changing my life.
The passed two years, I have gone to therapy (finally), moved home – which I never wanted to do, as that felt like failing (it wasn’t, it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made), to going back to school and beginning a career path I’ve always dreamed of, to finding a collection of humans – both new and old, who feel more like family than friends, to every day becoming a better version of myself.
While I know life will surely bring me more losses, more trials and tribulations, I can’t help but feel as if I have closed the chapter on a dark part of my life, in which I felt lost and alone, and am opening the door to this next chapter; much more exciting, much more optimistic and much less chaotic.
P.S. you don’t have to wait for tragedy to strike to change your life. There is no time like the present. Don’t waste a lifetime being unhappy.
full moon in Aquarius
I keep writing about
the same thing
over and over
About you
always about you
I’m afraid to stop
because it’s all I have left
of you.
lost in a heatwave
It’s crazy how you can go from not knowing someone at all, barely noticing them in that way, another face in the crowd, to lusting over them 24/7. Okay. Maybe that’s an exaggeration. But not really. At least it doesn’t feel like it.
When I first met Theo, sure he was nice and I was never repulsed by him or anything like that, but I certainly didn’t see him in a romantic way, even remotely. I just considered him another friendly face amongst a sea of coworkers. Sure, he was cute, and tall, but I truly wasn’t looking for anything, especially not at work.
Before I get too ahead of myself, let me give you some background, let me take you on the same journey I took to get where we are today; breathless and blown away. Keep your minds open for this one, because I swear, if someone had told me a few months ago that this would be my life, I’d never believe them. It’s not like I was a “good girl”, but I had become so wrapped up in my own world, so focused on where I was going, that I barely ever noticed anyone in the periphery.
I met Theo at work. I know what you’re thinking co-workers, how cliche. But it wasn’t like that, I swear. We worked in completely separate divisions of the company, it just so happened our positions had a lot of overlap. We ran into each other often and would exchange pleasantries, which quickly turned into lightly roasting each other, which descended into a flirtatious frenzy that I only recognized once I was in too deep.
The first day we met, I introduced myself with my usual perfectly polished corporate demeanour, he in turn was polite and demure, a gentleman who was hard to read. The second time I met him, I slipped in a gentle “you again?” a tired joke but he chuckled none the less. I beamed from the validation anyways.
It wasn’t until a few months of gruelling late nights working in close proximity, slowly unravelling details of our personal lives here and there – he told me what school he went to, what he wished he had focused on more, I told him….well who knows what I really revealed. I was anything but smooth. Especially when I didn’t initially realize what my intentions were.
Before long, I couldn’t deny that familiar feeling. The slight electricity that started bubbling up from my stomach and running through my veins like minute shocks whenever I heard his name come up on a project I was to work on. I began to look forward to the times we’d have to get together, started to appreciate those late nights in close quarters, bent over desks, exchanging occasional glances across the room. I wondered if he secretly watched me the way I watched him. I was fascinated by the way he moved and his gentle nature.
There was something about him, he wasn’t my usual type. He was softer, sweeter, he didn’t immediately jump at me as if I was a piece of meat, or treat me as an intellectual inferior. In fact he did the opposite, as much as we would tease each other, he never did so with malice, he built me up even with his taunts. Yet, I couldn’t tell if he was actually interested in me, I kept waiting for him to make a move. Even something so subtle as an accidental graze of finger tips that sent our souls on fire enough to propel him forwards, into me.
One night, we were working on a particularly stagnant proceeding. A whole team of ten, fifteen of us, who simply couldn’t break the case, couldn’t find a solution to the problem ahead of us. We spent days pouring over data and researching precedent. We had all broken off into smaller groups around the office, people finding their own space amongst the chaos. Spreading out in an attempt to let our collective intellects become somehow stimulated. Theo and I had both opted for the waterfall room. I had gotten there first, I loved the calming sound of the water and the slight humidity in the room.
The waterfall room was tucked in the back of the building. It featured a skylight, a glass wall facing the city and two cement walls with various vines climbing up and down them. The company had put it in as a “stress-deterrent”. It was mostly used for quick naps, quiet study and quintessential wantonness. The latter was what it was used for on this particular night.
Theo walked in and was lost in thought, shocked when he finally looked up and saw me sprawled out on the floor, papers surrounding me, a laptop between my legs, and surely a crazed look on my overtired face. We had long abandoned our professional attire for more comfortable clothes; him light grey sweatpants and an old university t-shirt that showed off his slight biceps and otherwise lanky figure, me a simple black ribbed-cotton t-shirt dress and tights, my hot pink ugg slippers looking starkly out of place none the less.
“Oh sorry….” he muttered. “I didn’t think anyone else would be in here….obviously you would be right where I wanted to be.” he smiled playfully. I couldn’t help when my lips contorted upwards to match his grin. “Oh sureeeee’ I retorted, matching his light airy tone. “I’m sure you came looking for me” I joked. “I’m not unhappy to see you here, that’s for sure..” suddenly, the room filled with a palpable tension, a sort of slow burning fire. All the feelings I had been trying to suppress for all these months were at the forefront of my being. A heat started making its way through my body.
“I think my brain needs a break” I tried to break through the tension. “Mine too” he looked down sheepishly. ‘Come here’ I motioned to him with a come hither gesture. He walked over slowly, his eyes never leaving mine, our breath both shallow and rapid. He finally arrived in front of me, me now kneeling with my legs splaying out behind me, looking up at his towering figure, unsure if I should take the next step, half-delirious with sleeplessness. I couldn’t help myself.
I reached up towards the hem of his sweats, wordlessly, and started lowering them. He didn’t flinch. I pulled them passed his hips, surprised, when his hardening cock sprung forward, that he was not wearing any boxers or briefs. His hand moved towards my face, caressing it softly our eyes still locked, searching one other for a sign that this was okay. All I could feel was a hunger deep inside me.
I moved my head towards his piece, now growing quite stiff, and licked the tip delicately. Giving him a moment to decide if we were really doing this or not. His hand moved towards the nape of my neck and threaded through my hair, it was the encouragement I needed to keep going. I took his swollen member in my mouth and began licking and sucking it, all the way down from the tip right to the base of his shaft, all the while my hand had moved down to gently squeeze and caress his balls.
A light moan escaped his lips as I continued to service his hard cock. I continued to deep throat it, allowing my spit to run down my chin, letting all my self conscious thoughts fall to the ground with my inhibition. A slight growl escaped his lips and he grabbed me up off the floor, kissing me hard on the mouth. His strong hands reached for the hem of my dress, pulling it up over my head, leaving me standing there in my lacy black bralette, matching panties and tights. He kissed me harder, pulling me into him, his hands exploring my body as mine tangled in his short silky hair.
“I want you so bad right now, I can’t believe this is finally happening” he moaned into my ear, his whispers sending shivers up my spine. He felt my body melting under his touch and removed both my bra and his shirt in what felt like one fluid movement. “I want you inside of me. Now.” I couldn’t help myself. He laid me down gently on the floor and kneeled between my legs. “Enough of these” he snarled as he ripped my tights, exposing my lacy panties and now glistening pussy.
He moved his face in between my thighs and began teasing my sensitive clit with his expert tongue. He lapped up my juices like he was parched, making sure to use his fingers in tandem, first playing with my pussy on the outside, rubbing my clit gently between his fingers, slowly moving them inside of me and exploring my moist enclosure. I couldn’t help but squirm and release my own delicate squeals of pleasure. He looked up at me innocently and that same sly smile spread across his face. “Is this what you wanted?” he continued before I could answer. My body began to tighten and I was wracked with pleasure from my first orgasm of the night.
He came up from below, licking his lips sensuously as he shimmied his way up my torso, his hands leading the way. His face met mine and once again we were locked in a passionate makeup session. Our chests were heaving and our bodies were slick with sweat. “Tell me how badly you want it?” he demanded. “Bad. I need you now.” I whimpered. He teased my slick entrance with his throbbing member, rubbing it against my clit and wet folds. I reached up for his face, bringing back down to mine for another snog.
Finally he plunged his hard cock into my hole, staring into my soul as he did so, watching my face as it erupted in pleasure, both from the physical feelings and the knowledge that we were doing something so taboo and dangerous. He ran his hands down my body, grabbing my wrists and bringing them up over my head, holding both in one hand as he continued to pump in and out of me.
He licked my neck all the way up to my chin and I couldn’t help but stretch my lips out for his, absolutely overcome by that once-in-awhile animal lust that only comes out after a long, slow, build up of passion. “Fuck, you feel so good around my dick, babe” he moaned into my open mouth. I couldn’t take it anymore “I’m cumming, I’m cumming, don’t you dare fucking stop” I cried out. He held me down, his weight pressing against me as he pounded me hard, his cock hitting all the right spots, my head absolutely spinning. I came and came. “Fuck babe, I’m gonna cum too, where do you want it?” “Wherever you want” I spat out breathlessly, no hesitation. “I want you to taste me” he howled. I pulled him up towards me, as he stuck his pulsating manhood into my mouth once again. I accepted him willingly, my tongue begging for a taste of his salty sperm.
He spurted thick ropes of delicious cum onto my tongue and down my throat, I, making sure to swallow every last bit and even licking the tip to make sure his pleasure was maximized. We collapsed beside one another, our chests raising up and down quickly, out of breath, delight emanating from every pore. “We have to keep this our little secret” I turned to him, serious, all at once aware of the predicament we had put ourselves in.