big questions

Do you claw your way back from oblivion?
It’s easy to sit here in all of my moods and say
it would be easier to just not feel at all.

When you’re in that moment, when you feel the life draining from you,
your consciousness fading
out, are you suddenly desperate not to leave?

Sure, life is grim and painful and pointless,
but what if there is truly nothing afterwards
and just as quickly as consciousness came, it leaves,
nothing, in an instant.

I go outside at night and I cry to the stars,
that you might hear me,
that anyone might hear me.
Begging the universe to show me a sign that this isn’t all there is.
This isn’t it.

The urge towards nihilism is so inherent in me,
and yet I can’t crush this hope,
that somehow this is not all for naught;
simply the waiting room before the real magic.

This constant vacillation is exhausting,
invigorating still, encouraging me onwards,
while I scream into the wind and tear at my skin,
answerless questions forever clouding my mind.