escapism

Can you feel it? The call, the call to the unknown. The urge to run to flee to frolic to just fucking go. I hear the wind and I close my eyes and I imagine myself light as air, floating through time and space just going, somewhere else, some other time. I feel restless all the time, like every atom in my body is aching to explore the unknown, I can’t sit still, I can’t stay in one place, I am a girl without a home, floating through life as if the air were honey and my body was tied down with cinderblocks, I can’t help but wish I could join in the breeze.

I don’t know when this feeling took hold, if it’s always been with me, I can’t remember any more, was I always this uncomfortable? And better yet what’s to say anywhere else would be different, maybe this feeling is inherent within me, a soul yearning to return to it’s energetic form and leave behind this damned corporal body.

Dissociating day after day when I can just to feel for a second what it might be like to escape, I don’t know how to shake this feeling, I don’t know how to make a home out of a body and a life I don’t want to be in, and it’s not just THIS body or THIS life, it’s any body or any life. I can not help but feel an intense apathy towards this shallow existence. What is the point? You know, what makes the good outweigh the bad? If we all end the same way, alone and in death, then truly what are we here for? To work, to make money, to pay the bills, to keep working? To have small moments or experiences of joy of exploration or knowledge but for what? To what ends?

It is these never-ending questions that taunt me and tease me and wake me up at 3am, sweating and chilled, all at once, “why?” it reverberates in my brain. I feel I will spend my entire life seeking for answers that can never be found.